wakey wakey hands off snakey
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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