I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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