my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
