he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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