You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
