end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
