I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
