nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
