God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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