so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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