They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
