these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
