dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
