yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
