Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
