Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
