my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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