I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
