Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
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