i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
