the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I need to align my fucking chakras
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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