i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
