i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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