Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
