wanna go halves on a baby?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
