the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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