Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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