Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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