I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
