I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
