i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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