I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
