I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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