Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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