So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
