well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
