i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize