Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
