I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
