Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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