the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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