Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
