I saw his package. It spoke to me.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
