That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
