We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
