She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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