We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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