i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize