I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
