My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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