I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
