Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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