Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
