Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
