More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
