Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize