Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
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