I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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