heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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