Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
